An Open Letter To Mr. Fugly

Dear Ilya:

You sir, have impeccable timing. вы взводите курок.

Why the facade that you differed from some our previous Russian minor league flakes like Kaigorodov and Nikulin? 

Do you remember all that goodwill that you built up last summer when you neglected your motherland and remained here in Ottawa to bust your ass in the gym? Do you also recall how bad the team’s depth was last season? Do you remember not being able to stick with last year’s shitty squad? 

Apparently not because you had to wait until Bryan Murray restocked the forward ranks before making your demand public. Fuck me.

Of all the years to demand a trade, you chose this one? Great. It’s not like you had a memorable performance in camp. Hell, considering you allegedly spoke to Bryan Murray about getting moved awhile ago, I don’t even think the mainstream media realized that you were even here. Because we read about you never.

You have no intrinsic trade value. никакие. Now Ottawa’s going to get сладостный fuck все. At best, your trade aspirations involve you riding the bus for another AHL franchise. But maybe that’s a good thing. Those Binghamton jerseys are notoriously ugly and you need all the help that you can get.

So give it some time, when you feel that enough has passed without another organization having shown any interest, leave. Go to the KHL. We won’t blame you for it. In fact, take Josh Hennessey with you. The less physical reminders that we have of the John Muckler era, the better.

Thanks.

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