Another Reason To Hang Your Head This Season

I guess my baseball bias is front and centre now (see Howie Kendrick praise) so I can carry on with this blog without being criticized accordingly. I’ve noticed a few uniform changes this year in the MLB including some new caps and I was discussing with Graeme how MLB had such a massive market share of the casual ‘baseball style’ cap industry. MLB’s caps have been so successfully marketed (yes I realize MLB has an advantage because their hats are part of the uniform) and how well they were able to market it and make it a fashion piece that even non-baseball fans use as a staple. You have no idea how many times I’ve asked someone ‘Oh you’re a ____ fan?” only to be met with, “Nah man it’s just a hat.” The blueprint for a good, even above average cap is not a hard one to copycat. Something the hockey world has blatantly tried to ignore. Hockey hats have to be some of the worst offenders out there, continuously turning out terrible, unwearable and laughable products for their fans to sport on their heads (I can’t even bring myself to look at the sure horrors of CFL head wear). So I thought I’d have a look tonight at what the Senators have to offer care of their online store. And yes, these were the best of what they had for sale.

Here is a great example of everything that is wrong with hockey caps. Believe it or not, not all hockey fans love the white trash retro look of a mesh-back cap. Oh you say, ‘but it’s fitted, its cool!’. These things are about as cutting edge as the word ‘fuck’. Its bad enough to have to find a way to throw these things out when you’re unfortunate enough to get one in a case of beer let alone shelling out good money for one and not getting any beer to show for it. I know at least one person out there who checks this probably owns a hat like this – and to them i say, seriously man, I know it covers the lobotomy scars but that’s no excuse. If I had kids, and beating them was legal, I would beat my kid if they came home with one of these.

As if the ‘classic’ Senators fitted mesh back cap wasn’t enough to satisfy the cravings of dudes who wear leather jackets and khakis to unnamed bars in the west end and hockey dads who only wear hockey tournament t-shirts, the Senators decide to capitalize on a special day. Believe it or not these hats were not designed as an April Fool’s joke. They’re St. Patrick’s day caps and now you can perpetuate the myth the Irish drink so much they can’t tell whats good anymore. Don’t worry folks, people can still see your mullet thanks to the lovely white mesh on the back.

This might be the worst offender. This cap looks like something you’d find filled with puke and left for dead at a CASCAR event. Even speed freaks know better than to ensure this hat is on backwards so it doesn’t blow off ‘accidentally’ after grandma buys it for your birthday. This hat also doubles as something to spit on when you’re done ski-dooing for the day.

Close with this hat. It’s fitted. One colour scheme. Primary Senators logo on the front. We’re getting there. No obnoxious RBK logo. Oh wait – too bad the white contrasting stitching looks like a pair of wigger jeans from 1991 you’d find at Stitches. The only use for this hat is baiting bulls into goring you in the brain and ending your life and ruining your cap.

Great. Looks like American Eagle got together with your local community college to turn out this gem. I realize some people like clothes that look worn in, but seriously even if this hat came without all the wear ‘n’ tear marks you can guarantee someone is going to attack you/the hat with a pair of scissors/chainsaw/garden hoe within a week for owning such a disgusting hat and will be in the exact same condition as it appears for sale brand new.

Despite the fact hockey season is well after Labour Day this hat somehow made it onto the NHL store shelves. Just in case one Sens logo on the front wasn’t enough to tell the world who your team is the clever designers found a way to squeeze in a second. The description boasts;

“The white Ztech Z-fit hat boasts a front panel with mesh over a screen-printed logo with an embroidered logo on top. A team logo adorns the back of the 97% polyester/3% spandex hat”

Spandex and polyester! So now you know the last time you see this hat it will be melting, not burning. This hat also “boasts” the claim to winning the award of the hat most likely to look like an abortion on your scalp. I’m amazed they found another way to incorporate the mesh trend without it looking like a mosquito repellent hat. This hat still repels though don’t get me wrong, it features the amazing ability to keep women 50 feet away from you at anytime.

Let’s just say this hat has an extra chromosome. It also tells others on your work site that you cannot be trusted with equipment that requires electricity or gasoline to function.

As if Senators fans didn’t have enough to hang their head in shame about this season. Designing a nice wearable cap that doesn’t make people ask “What year did you graduated from Arnprior District High School?” shouldn’t be a tall task. The only problem is now that you’re done looking at these trainwreck caps you have nothing to barf into, unless of course you own a third jersey