Around The League in 30 Beers

Well its the summer and there’s little news of substance surrounding the Senators that isn’t quickly digested in 10 seconds on TSN. It is summer after all so we decided to combine two of our favourite things, beer and hockey. This blog idea was actually a suggestion from my girlfriend (yes skeptical readers it is true) and I thought it was a great idea to go through the entire NHL and identify teams with beers who share similar characteristics for one reason or another.

Montreal Canadiens are Red Stripe:
They’re short, overpriced and don’t speak French either.

Toronto Maple Leafs are Guinness:
They’re slow and heavy, have a storied history, highly recognizable logo and are famous for their Irish head.

Ottawa Senators are Pabst Blue Ribbon:
Sometimes it’s good and sometimes it’s just the worst. Both are a hit amongst college aged kids who have grown up with it and it’s guaranteed someone at a party is going to have a problem with it. Both have terrible nicknames (PBR and SENS).

Buffalo Sabres are Molson Canadian:
Both have their markets based in Canada.

Boston Bruins are Old Milwaukee:
Not appealing to anyone with taste or education and both are also known in social circles as ‘girl repellent’.

New Jersey Devils are Labatt 50:
You never really consider them a favourite but they still get the job done at the end of the night. It’s also surprising when you find out others like it. Both logos once looked like 1970’s train wrecks but have gotten much better over time.

New York Rangers are Dos Equis:
Pompous, over rated and over priced, more concerned with marketing and sales than performance.

New York Islanders are Steelback:
Both had promise in the beginning but were undone by poor managerial decisions (Frank D’Angelo and Mike Milbury) and have been trying to make people forget how bad they are ever since.

Philadelphia Flyers are Miller High Life:
Both are worshipped by people who like cold hot dogs and bouncing cheques. Both have ironic names since the only thing Philly has flown in the past 25+ years is the coop in the playoffs and High Life is as low as you can possibly go without being a Bruins fan in Ottawa. (It is also important to note that a large quantity of High Life is required in order to think that Pronger is going to win you a cup)

Pittsburgh Penguins are Bud Light Lime:
Currently a trendy pick after a successful recent makeover, expensive, classified as a premium beer and will probably be a hit again for another year or two before someone else rips off their recipe.

Atlanta Thrashers are Lucky Lager:
Don’t complain to us – you got what you paid for.

Washington Capitals are Zlatorog:
They both feature a goat (one in goal and one on the label); are extremely popular in eastern Europe; can leave a bitter taste in your mouth; and Don Cherry wouldn’t be caught dead enjoying either.

Tampa Bay Lightning are Bud Light:
Both are known better for marketing gimmicks and giveaways than actual product. Hulk Hogan will gladly pimp either for a place to sleep that night.

Carolina Hurricanes are Wildcat Extra Strong:
No one cares about either but both somehow always manage to put a serious kink in your night when you happen upon them. Let it be known these are both applauded by people who enjoy motor sports and towing their home from national park to national park.

Florida Panthers are a Coors Light Shanty:
Both are favoured by older Canadians and are always around for a long summer.

Chicago Blackhawks are Rickard’s White (or any other wit/wheat beer you like):
Trendy, will surely lose its appeal over time, the only people who like it are traditionalist snobs and people who got on the bandwagon late.

Columbus Blue Jackets are Corona:
Both of their fan bases are seasonal only support them four months a year. Both can be seen on beaches and golf courses in early spring.

Detroit Red Wings are Fruli:
Both are soft, appeal to women, are very European and no one in Detroit can afford to enjoy either.

Nashville Predators are Schlitz:
Both have miraculously managed to have content that is worse than their packaging.

St. Louis Blues are Waterloo Dark:
Both underrated and about to be recognized as great products as long as keep doing what they’re doing.

Calgary Flames are Rolling Rock:
Both are good for a party, getting women to flash and are symbolized by gingers with gross moustaches. (We were unable to confirm whether or not Rolling Rock was run by two moron brothers who get WAY too much credit for their work.)

Colorado Avalanche are Labatt Ice (or any ice beer):
Neither have been relevant since the 1990’s and it’s tough to find anyone who cares about either today. Both have names that sound like soft serve desserts or inappropriate sexual manoeuvres.

Edmonton Oilers are Black Label:
No one wants to be associated with either. (We looked really hard for a Siberian brewery but couldn’t find one, sorry.)

Minnesota Wild are Dave Nichol’s PC beer:
Both have only one name you’d recognize, both are very conservative and safe bets and both are extremely thrifty and for some reason each have a strong following.

Vancouver Canucks are Moretti:
If it wasn’t for the recognizable Italian guy fronting both products, neither would be relevant. Both of these products will help you attract twins.

Anaheim Ducks are Super Bock:
Neither could have come up with more stupid names had they tried.

Dallas Stars are Kronenbourg 1664:
Both are surprisingly popular products in non-traditional market places. Both have the most unimaginative nicknames possible (1664 and Stars) and Sean Avery is also too fancy for either.

Los Angeles Kings are Mill Street Tankhouse:
Both are excellent products that have just started to get acclaim, LA’s fans have the same ‘cheap spray on tan’ colour as Tankhouse and neither are popular in California.

Phoenix Coyotes are Beck’s Non-Alcoholic Beer:
No one has paid for either in years, no honest man would be seen supporting them, they’re both always on sale and both are things Jim    Balsillie probably enjoys.

San Jose Sharks are MGD:
Both are decent American products but neither ever seem to make it into the premium and elite market they each desire.