Ottawa Senators Preview Pt. IV: 60

First comes love and then comes pain, let the games begin. ~ Pearl Jam

It’s that time of the year when the opening night puck is about to drop and finally, players can begin to pursue the team and individual goals that had been established during the summer. Inspired by Ray Emery’s prediction of 60 goals for Dany Heatley, we’ve set out to come up with 60 goals, predictions, forecasts and reasons to stick with us and your Ottawa Senators this season. We hope you enjoy and will continue to read us for the duration of this year’s campaign.

Here we go:

  1.  We’ll start selling “Duck Carrie!” t-shirts with the caveat that if these shirts worn to a sens game, fans have to duck when shown on the scoreboard. 
  2.  Jonathan Cheechoo will start slow as he tries to do too much and finds his niche on this club. By February, he’ll start to flourish. Until then, expect a slew of bad press and criticism for the return that Ottawa got. All the while ignoring the fact that Cheechoo was a player who Ottawa never really wanted in the first place.
  3. Bryan Murray has continued to improve this roster’s depth. Consequentially, there’s less opportunity for Josh Hennessey to get called up. Baby steps, folks. Baby steps.
  4. With Anton Volchenkov approaching unrestricted free agency next summer, there will be immense pressure from the fans to retain the services of our favorite shot blocking defenceman. To make room, the Sens will cut Filip Kuba loose once his NTC expires. Even though moving Chris Phillips (if possible with his own NMC) is the smarter play.
  5. To set less goals in the future, 60 seems a tad too ambitious.
  6. Mike Fisher is given the Assistant Captaincy and scores 25 goals this year. However, he still isn’t worth $4.2M per year.
  7. Podcasts and a tweaked layout. Not necessarily in this order.
  8. Jarkko Ruutu bites Colten Orr and says, “I like the taste of fruit.”
  9. Get our material published over at the NY Times. (Check.)
  10. Even with Matt Carkner on the roster, Chris Neil will fight less and still struggle to put up enough offensive numbers to justify his contract. With nothing left to blame his scoring woes on, he takes his frustrations out on Carkner by telling him, “Listen bud, the rule here with rookies is that you have to fight on the road. I’ve got the home games.”
  11. Get our material published over at The Ottawa Citizen. (Working on it.)
  12. After a bounceback campaign, Mike Fisher thanks God. We’ll thank God if he scores more than 30.
  13. At some point this season, we’ll direct a Twitter message to Julie Robenhymer that says, “Hi, I’m Julie and I love being the reason why Tim doesn’t have sound enabled on his computer.”
  14. A return to the playoffs. The Sens will finish as a 5th to 8th seed in the Eastern Conference and will not have home ice advantage in the playoffs. In other words, in the playoffs, they’ll be like Dany Heatley — playing less games than they have to here.
  15. The Ottawa Senators marketing team will change the motto of Forever Red to Sens Hockey OMG by the year’s end.  They will also introduce a copy of Binghamton’s jerseys as their new alternate uniforms and justify the move by saying “People will buy whatever we put out. Who cares how it looks?”
  16. Inspired by Jacques Demers’ appointment to the Canadian Senate, Nick Kypreos comes forward and admits to being illiterate because he thinks it will further his career.
  17. We become self-involved like Leafs bloggers and recreate our likenesses in a hockey videogame.
  18. Incessant ripping of Colin Jeffrey. As a Sens-blogger turned Leafs-blogger, he proceeds to sell government information to the Iranians. We can’t say we didn’t warn you about this guy. He’s also revealed to be Belinda Stronach’s PR guy.
  19. Don Brennan quits the Ottawa Sun to work for the Boston Herald. It’s worth being a paperboy to support the local team.
  20. Between Pascal Leclaire’s steadying play and Christoph Schubert having played his last game in Ottawa, Bruce Garrioch loses half of his material. We feel badly for the guy.
  21. Eugene Melnyk ponies up the cash to refurbish Marshy’s as Bert’s Bar but neglects to buy Cory Clouston a new suit for the NHL Awards where Clouston is announced as the Jack Adams trophy winner. Clouston is then forced to attend the event wearing a suit that would make Herb Tarlic look good.
  22. Eugene Melnyk and Jim Balsillie continue their war of words throughout the course of the season. Eventually this culminates in an arranged bare-knuckle boxing match in international waters. The match is forfeited by when the airport in Hamilton informs RimJim that he’s not welcome aboard his flight.
  23. Shean Donovan breaks his nose for the 50th time. He’s officially classified as an elephant and is banned from the NHL.
  24. January 26th – Erik Karlsson moves out of Alfie’s basement. Don Brennan moves out of his.
  25. Canucnik becomes the new Senators defensive coach through the aid of Tom Molloy’s coaching DVDs.
  26. In honour of the 40% of Senators season ticket respondents who thought that Ottawa would win the Cup this year, Aramark will now offer Kool-Aid on the main level concourse.
  27. Anti-social 6th Sens readers realize that their able to post comments for any piece without having to register an account at Bloguin. They also begin to take advantage of our email address to send us emails with their opinions, we begin to regularly publish them as part of a reoccurring mailbag feature.
  28. Stuntman Stu makes the mistake of asking Bryan Murray to pronounce something. He now refers to Milan Michalek as Milan Mickkkakkckkac over the PA.
  29. Jared Cowen dominates the WHL. By November, Bryan Murray is cursing himself for sending the kid down as Picard, Lee and Campoli flounder.
  30. We will gain respect for any mainstream media member who can finally explain to us why Gerry Dee is funny.
  31. The Senators honour alumni like Darcy Loewen, Dennis Vial and Lance Pitlick before the home opener by allowing them to rip the tickets of the attendees who paid to watch the game.
  32. The Maple Leafs miss the playoffs again and their fans in the lower level of the ACC are still out in the concourse drinking white wine spritzers and failing to notice.
  33. The Senators launch a vintage store at SBP to match the online store that they’ve failed to upgrade since 1994.
  34. Eugene Melnyk finds out how much a beer costs at SBP and is overheard saying, “Fuck that. What do they think I’m made of? Money?”
  35. This year, instead of growing moustaches to show team unity, the team decides to play like one.
  36. Jesse Winchester returns from injury. No one notices that he was gone.
  37. Matt Carkner is given a dumb nickname by someone in the press because he’s local and his family owns an automotive repair shop. (Ie. “Too bad MC Hammer was already taken.”)
  38. We start a fan club called Michalek’s Anonymous.
  39. In an effort to fit in with a younger, hipper, celeb-dating team, Shean Donovan starts porking Kirstie Alley. Only no one’s impressed.
  40. Peter Regin spends the full season with the big club but no one knows how to properly pronounce his name. So, we stick to Bonzo in homage of Ronald Reagan’s most famous acting role.
  41. When interviewed on CBC by Scott Oake, Leclaire pays tribute to our rich goaltending history by telling that that he doesn’t give a shit what Scott Oake thinks.
  42. After doing Schubert a favour by putting him on re-entry waivers, Schubie returns the favour by never coming back to haunt the Sens.
  43. Fans who expect 60 to 65 points from the Enigma will be ecstatic. Casual fans will be upset because the cocktease should have had 80.
  44. Spezza reveals the secret to his maturation process. It wasn’t marriage and it wasn’t being slighted by Team Canada. Instead, he draws upon memories of how painful the shock therapy was to remedy impromptu giggling.
  45. December 1st, 2009 – Don Brennan and Dany Heatley see each other for the first time. Don plays up the suckhole angle for the week prior. Nothing goes down. Instead of live blogging the game, we try and organize a pub night to commemorate the event. The night ends badly with Canucnik and Tim doing mixed shots of JD, Tequila and Zambuca.
  46. Chris Neil once again leads the team in dumb penalties and confused looks. Similar to how kids look on Hallowe’en when their parents let them trick or treat but not eat any of the candy.
  47. Ten games go by and we realize that Alexandre Picard is still Alexandre Picard. Brian Lee works hard in Bingo and is called up shortly thereafter.
  48.  Based off the success, popularity and warm fuzzy feelings that Theo Fleury’s comeback induced. The Euge encourages Bryan Murray to sign Mike Peluso to a one-day contract so that he can retire as an Ottawa Senator.
  49. We create a site glossary and invite Glenn Kulka an email and ask him to contribute with his linguistic skills. He agrees and takes the challenge quite seriously.
  50. Like Dany Heatley, we’ll fall short on expectations and end this list. Even though we didn’t reach our goal, we’ll continue to laud this list like it was a good season.

If you have anything else that you want to contribute to get us to 60, have at it in the comment thread.