The 6th Sens’ Guide To Identifying Retarded Sens Fans

I was talking with Brad and Tim this afternoon and Brad mentioned a hilarious story where he was walking around campus when he heard a group of guys talking Senators hockey. I think everyone’s been guilty of eavesdropping into these types of conversations. Brad, never one to mind his manners, invested a mere 20 seconds of his life and came across the holy grail of Ottawa Senators secrets when one of the strangers dropped this rhetorical question:

“You want to know what’s wrong with the Ottawa Senators?”

YES! Tell us! We NEED to know!

“Jason Spezza’s a fucking pussy.”

Yes! Wait…what?!? That’s it? This is the big secret to the plight of our Senators? Why, it was so obvious! I can’t believe the rest of us didn’t see this. I feel like a fool. Let’s just pick up the phone and call Craig Hartsburg and John Paddock and apologize for placing the onus on them. This wasn’t on them, it was on Spezza.

Unfortunately, everyone’s stumbled into one of these conversations with a fucking retarded Sens fan who thinks everything they say is gospel. Since these are the kinds of conversations that most fans want to avoid, we’ve taken the liberty of preparing The 6th Sens’ Guide To Identifying Retarded Sens Fans.

To identify this fans, recognize that the person you’re speaking with….

1) Has three boys named Alexei, Alexandre and Radek.
2) Starts a conversation with the words, “They never should have fired John Muckler.
3) Is wearing a Riccard Persson jersey.
4) Tried to hire Dennis Vial as their gardener in 1999.
5) Was cool with Dominik Hasek’s participation in the 2006 Olympics.
6) Is a Ray Emery apologist.
7) Swears that Jim Paek just served them spring rolls at Mekong. (Completely ignorant to the fact that Paek isn’t Chinese!)
8) Spends the offseason lobbying management to bring in Ottawa 67′s alumni.
9) Thinks the new third jerseys are awesome.
10) Thinks the #61 is synonymous with Oleg Saprykin and not Sylvain Turgeon.
11) Identifies themselves as an insider because three of their lady friends have shagged members of the hockey team at the same time.
12) Clogs up the lines on the Team 1200 in an effort to compensate for the Sens lack of heart or calls so often that he has a caller nickname.
13) Met Radek Bonk for the first time and mistook his Czech accent for a drunken slur.
14) Looks back at Daigle’s rookie campaign and says, man, 25 goals, he wasn’t that bad.
15) Goes to Sens games wearing a suit in attempt to convince young fans that you’re a healthy scratch.
16) Still has Alexandre Daigle’s rookie card in a protective case.
17) Fell out of the 3rd level at SBP.
18) Once picked up the tab for Bruce Garrioch’s dinner.
19) Has taken out a second mortgage on the house to pay for beers at Sens games.
20) Knows message board posters in real life and will only refer to them by their user names.
21) Only has their articles read because they often find themselves placed beside the Sunshine Girl.
22) Wants to resign Chris Neil at twice the price.
23) Opines the loss of Patrick Eaves while completely disregarding the fact that he has one more goal than Bill Muckalt this season.
24) Once wrote that the Sens should have drafted Matt Zultek instead of Marian Hossa.
25) Made an obvious joke about how the WJHC were better than going to Sens games and his fat wife laughed.
26) Is wearing a Sens jersey with the words Leafs Suck on the nameplate with the number 67 below.
27) Has no idea who Marshall Johnston is.
28) Kidnapped Johnny Shaka. (Seriously, where the fuck did this guy go?)
29) Leaves comments every time Stuntman Stu changes his Facebook status.
30) Is a man of principle who will boo Chara and Hossa but never Bryan Berard.

Feel free to add to the list in the comments. If we like what we see, we’ll add it to the list.

Campaigning:

Fresh off the return of the Senators theme song comes a Facebook group dedicated to the return of the original Senators jerseys. If you’re interested in checking it out, click here. And while you’re at it, join the Official Facebook group of The 6th Sens. If you’re not into Facebook, click here to sign an online petition and please spread the word.

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