The Melynk Show


Senators fans have been graced with two exceptionally entertaining interviews with owner Eugene Melnyk over the past few days. Say what you will about the interviews but the undeniable fact is that the Euge is quite the character. Graeme and I decided that his personality was too grandiose to be limited to radio and newspaper interviews. So we took the liberty of concocting a television series featuring the man who has as many anecdotes as he does dollar bills. We like to call it, The Melnyk Show.

Season 1, Episode 1. The Pilot

In the series premier Eugene attends a going away party at Biovail. After a poorly received farewell speech, Eugene seeks the public speaking wisdom of Paul Bissonnette. Seeking redemption, Eugene leaves season ticket holders with a speech they’ll never forget.

Season 1, Episode 2. The Grievance
After receiving an advance copy of NHL12 Eugene successfully completes a trade – giving him a diabolical idea. Posing as JP Barry, Eugene crank calls Dany Heatley and informs him he has just been traded to Ottawa and is supposed to report to Binghamton immediately. Dany becomes suspicious and redials the number resulting in hilarious consequences for the Euge.

Season 1, Episode 3. Eugene ‘Milhous’ Melnyk
Eugene becomes fascinated with the life and times of Richard Nixon. Inspired by Watergate, Eugene hires his own ‘Plumbers’ to break into Central Scouting to uncover the secrets of scouting. Doomed to repeat the mistake of Nixon, The Ottawa Sun investigates suspicious behaviour and exposes the case earning Bruce Garrioch his second Gene Florcyk Memorial Award.

Season 1, Episode 4. The Great Relocation in the Sky
After a 10-0 shellacking at the hands of the Leafs, the Euge indulges himself at Bert’s Bar. In his dream, he’s approached by God who’s interested in moving the team to heaven. He is awoken by Kevin Lowe who has a bone to pick with the Euge over his proclamation that Ottawa has the best young team in the NHL.

Season 1, Episode 5. The Belt Buckle
In a cross program special, Eugene lashes out at Larry David for telling him to “Curb his enthusiasm” in regards to expectations for the season. Eugene insists Larry buckle up while in a cab causing an argument.

Season 1, Episode 6. Fast Food Wars
After agreeing to give Golden Palace the rights to being the official egg roll of the Ottawa Senators, the Euge is bombarded with requests and invitations from many of Ottawa’s restaurant community. Eugene recruits Kyle Wellwood and Dustin Byfuglien to help him on his quest for the next great Scotiabank Place entree.

Season 1, Episode 7. Eugene’s Reality
Eugene invites the players and coaches to his Florida stables. When a gambling bet goes wrong, the Euge has to devise a scheme to make money and buy back his favorite horse. Inspired by the success and popularity of MTV reality programming, he comes up with a show for Sens TV in which the Senators prospects are housed together in a condo downtown. When it becomes clear that his intention is to steal every scene, the prospects walk off set.

Season 1, Episode 8. The Microsoft Paint Spill
Eugene discovers the internet and becomes obsessed with message boards. Later, the Senators heritage sweater gets leaked as a concept jersey on Icethetics.info. The Euge hires a security detail to look into the leak because he wants to give the perpetrator a piece of his mind. When the leak is found to have originated from his email account, the blame falls on Eugene.

Season 1, Episode 9. Young Until I Cry
Depressed with his divorce, the Euge becomes obsessed with being young again and takes the youth movement literally and moves into Alfie’s basement. Failing to recapture his lost youth, the Euge crashes Nathan MacKinnon’s Sweet 16 party.

Season 1, Episode 10. Desperado For Attention
Melnyk is baffled by not receiving an invite to the NHL Awards. Seeking vengeance he starts his own awards. Starring musical guests the Eagles and Bob McCown as the event MC.

Season 1, Episode 11. Lips In The Wind
After a Fan 590 interview that featured another controversial barb, the Senators go on a prolonged winning streak. Thinking that it has something to do with what he said, the Euge spends time trying to up the ante – much to the chagrin of the PR department.

Season 1, Episode 12. The Finale
Consumed with bad luck, Melnyk decides to shake things up. On a morning in which he forgets to shave, he notices that good things are starting to happen. Thinking that it has something to do with his facial hair, Melnyk confides in Paul MacLean. When MacLean rebuffs the Euge’s advances, Melnyk is left with one place to turn…  to a tarot card reader who reveals a shocking revelation.

Season 1, Webisode 1. The Bogus Bonus
The court rules in favour of Dany Heatley and the Euge is ordered to pay the bonus money. Frustrated, Eugene delivers 4 million dollars worth of pennies at Dany’s home in Kelowna.

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