Over the weekend I was checking out some Sens merchandise at NHL.com, when I noticed a common theme among the items; a lot of them are really bad. From men’s clothes to home/office décor, there is just a lot of stuff I have a hard time believing is flying off the shelves. Since there’s no hockey to blog about, here are just a few of them:
Steiner Ottawa Senators Dany Heatley Autographed 16X20 Photo: $104.99
Why? Just, why? The price of this had been slashed from $160 to $105 – the guy with the diminishing role now has a diminishing price tag. Not only is this a waste of money, it’s also a waste of 320 square inches of wall space. The funniest thing about that page is that below the photo it says, “Have a question?” and then gives a toll-free number which you can call. Why yes, I do have a question: “Why are you selling this?”
Old Time Hockey Ottawa Senators 2012 NHL Playoffs Adjustable Hat: $21.99
If you think the “2007 Eastern Conference Champions” merchandise is bad, then get a load of this. Here is a generic, grey hat commemorating the fact that the Senators finished in the top 16 of a 30 team league. What an accomplishment! Odd considering it isn’t like the Sens to brag about the team’s success.
Old Time Hockey Ottawa Senators Mohawk Knit Hat: $39.99
Remember that guy who crashed an interview at the US Open and started making bird calls? Well this is pretty much the exact same style of hat he was donning. One thing I don’t understand is why they call this an “old time hockey” hat. Did people used to wear this way back when? If so, point modernity.
New Era Ottawa Senators Downflap Stretch Fit Hat: $29.99
This is some weird sort of baseball cap with a little neck warmer that can be conveniently flipped down whenever, and features that 2D logo which apparently exists, despite not being good enough to actually appear on a sweater . Wearing this is a great way to let people know you mean business whether it’s chilly, or just mildly warm outside.
Viral Ottawa Senators Mix Logo T-Shirt: $24.99
This is hands down the ugliest piece of merchandise on the site. What was going through the mind of the person who invented it? What does smudging the logo add to a regular black Sens shirt? Unless there’s some sort of philosophical meaning behind this that I’m missing, I don’t understand why anybody would ever purchase it. Here’s the site’s official description of the item: “Show your team pride with a one-of-a-kind look that's as fierce as your NHL® hockey heroes. The Viral® Mix Logo t-shirt depicts a unique team graphic on the chest.” This shirt is “a one-of-a-kind” and “unique” because there simply has never been anything that has matched this level of repulsiveness. I’d also love to hear an explanation as to what part of this logo is “fierce”.
I think the only defensible reason to purchase this is as a gag; If your roommate has a normal black Sens shirt, just swap it with this one when he/she is doing laundry and wait by the dryer for hilarious results!
Antigua Ottawa Senators St. Patrick's Day Signature Hooded Sweatshirt: $50.99
This is the perfect gift for people who want to dress festively, but can’t go one day a year without donning something that doesn’t include a Sens logo on it. The sweater’s logo is incredibly small, which I guess is a good thing, since it isn’t exactly the team’s best look.
Fan Ink Ottawa Senators Tattoo Sleeve: $14.99
Having tattoo sleeves is usually a way to tell people you’re one tough cookie. But what does a fake sleeve tattoo say about you? That you’re tough, but afraid of commitment? Basically a fake tattoo sleeve is nothing but a pantyhose leg with a fancy design on it, ie. as tough as tough gets.
Roger Edwards Ottawa Senators Melton Wool Bomber Jacket: $89.97
Nothing says old-time hockey apparel like a cartoony 3-D logo.
Littlearth Ottawa Senators Hoodie Tote Bag: $44.99
Hey ladies; having trouble deciding between the bag and hoodie? Well why not get both! This one item pretty much confirms my suspicions that every piece of merchandise on NHL.com was designed by men.
Caseworks Ottawa Senators Collectible Team Bank: $54.99
“$aving Up For My Next Game”. How cute. The ironic thing about this is, at $55, this bank is more expensive than an actual game ticket.
Boomerang Tools Ottawa Senators 16oz Hammer: $24.99
You know how everybody jokes that you could stick an Apple logo on anything and people would buy it? Well that’s what the NHL is going for here by slapping the Sens logo on a hammer. Not to mention completely missing the boat by not listing it as “The KlinkHammer”.
Nemcor Ottawa Senators Plush Blanket Wrap: $25.99
The only lame piece of merchandise this site doesn’t have is a snuggi…oh no wait, there it is! I think it’s great that they added a little kangaroo pouch and a hood because GOD FORBID that a single inch of your body gets exposed to the cruel, open air while you’re trying to get cozy.
Obviously there are some pretty bad items available here, but not all of them are as bad as these…seriously. One thing I was reminded of while perusing the online offerings is that the "O" sweater is by far the best piece of Senators related merchandise out there. Be thankful for that gang.
Enjoy the weekend.